I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
