I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
