Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
