2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
