just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
There r osticjed everywhere
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
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