Down for casual relationships, more fun than catholic missionary, bring condoms and don't get attached.
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
