Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
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