just come out here and I will go home with you...
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Randomize
