and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
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