the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
