And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Tumblr User Tells Story About A ‘Demon Gets Adopted By A Grandma’& It Needs To Be A F**king Movie
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
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How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.