I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Randomize
