the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
