if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
