It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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