i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
