positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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