Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
