That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
