Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
