2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
Randomize
