It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
you made out with another girl for some wings
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Randomize
