my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
Randomize
