I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
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