your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
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