So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I believe in your delicious
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Randomize
