Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
