apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Randomize
