he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
