i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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