Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Randomize
