Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
