Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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