I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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