sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Randomize
