I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
