i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
