Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
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