Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
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I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
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I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
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