Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
