My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
