Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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