Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
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