Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
The beer is more important than you right now.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
