just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
Randomize
