She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Randomize
