I haven't been this sober since birth.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Randomize
