my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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