Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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