Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
23 Roommates Share Secrets Their Roomie Thinks They Don’t Know
Green mimosas i think yes
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
29 Cringeworthy Situations People Realized They Shouldn’t Be In
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.