i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Randomize
