He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
