in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
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